What I never wanted to be, I Thought I was suppose to be nice, and helpful and giving and karma would give it rate back to me. It's a lie It never helped I never got anything back I messed up and wasted my time. Threw them days when someone didn't have food and I knew I could survive without it when I already was starving and gave it up for them. Or them nights where that old poor pathetic man needed money and was outside of the store. Picking up the old cigarettes in the ashtray and I'd have 5$ and a pack of cigs with just a lucky one left inside of it. And I'd give it to him see if that would help me in a way just to know that i helped him and know what. It didn't help me Nothing ever came back around when I needed it everything just went on and went wrong. I didn't want to be the evil one but dam this world is to cruel to be nice and that's all I've learned. I'll just follow the voices in my head telling me to do the wrongs things. I hate it I really do but if I got to be the bad one just to live right and be cruel and let those people starve or let that bum in-front of the store stay poor then alright. Out with the good in with the bad
" And I'd give it to him see if that would help me in a way just to know that i helped him and know what "
There's your problem. Even when helping you did it for selfish purposes and looked at only how it would help you.
I'm all for being selfish. Don't get me wrong, but I also know that if I'm going to be selfish, I better be able to take life by the horns and handle it myself. Not be selfish and sit and wait for invisible forces to grant me great things hoping they don't notice that it wasnt the kindness of my heart that I was being driven by.
When you give something to someone for whatever reason, be aware that you need to be in a position to give it. If you're starving and giving your food to a homeless person. That's not really helping yourself at all. Your not soppose to go without the basics to help someone else. That's will probably make you start to feel the way you are. I have helped people out w/ money or food before, and i have been helped out also. I understand what other's are saying about doing it for the right reason's. But what about what you send out is what you get back? If you're struggling between doing good or becoming evil. It's not that black and white. Life sucks, and life can be wonderful. I would say just do the best you can. Don't go out of you're way to be evil, and if you're not in a position to help another, then don't. If things are going really good in you're life and you are able to help someone less fortunate then you, do it. But do it because you want to help, or because it makes you feel good inside, or because it's just right. I don't think you are a evil person. maybe just confused and a little misunderstood.
Hm, I am sure what ever bad happened to you will blow over. The world is cruel, but being another cruel person within it is not going to help your cause. Helping people, hey, maybe karma gave you the reward of "feeling good about something". It is positive, and might help you through the day, being kind to someone is not a good thing if you regret it afterward. Even so, you should just calm down, after the bad, the good happens. That or it will balence through out time, who knows? Anything can happen as long as your alive, ya' know? I don't know, this is just how I see things.