Lokasenna: Throwin' Shade By: Personified Moderator / Knowledgeable Oct 28, 2016
Post # 1
This is the short modernized retelling of the Lokasenna, also known as That-One-Time-Loki-Mic-Dropped-All-The-Other-Gods. The setting is Aegirs hall, where many of the Aesir have gathered to feast with each other. Odin and Frigga were there. Thor was off somewhere, probably bashing Jotnar in the face because thats how he rolls. Bragi, Sif and Idunn showed up. Tyr was present. Njord, Skadhi, Freyja and Freyr rolled up to the party. And then there was Loki, sitting in the back with a maaaajor mood issue.
He watched as Aegirs servants were scuttling back and forth, taking orders and being very efficient. All of the Gods loudly praised how wonderful the servants were. Loki, not having any of it, felt jealous that they were getting all the attention whereas his own good deeds were typically snubbed and treated with a long sigh and a "ooooh, Loki". He waited till the servant, Fimafeng , got close to him again. Then swiftly killed him. All the other Gods were like, "Woah, dude, major party foul. Not cool, Loki. What the heck?" To which he probably shrugged his shoulders and left saying, "Peace out".
Well, once outside, Loki decided he wasnt done. In fact, he was faaar from done at this gathering. He hung around outside, then approached the hall again and asked the servant outside, Eldir,"So, man, whats the latest? What are all the Gods talking about? Probably me, amiright?". Eldir, who shouldve probably been a little more cautious- since Loki literally just killed another servant, said:"Nah. All the Gods are talking about their weapons and prowess. Nobody has anything nice to say about you". And Loki was like,"Pfft. Prowess? Well that wont do. Lemme back up in there". To which Eldir probably shrugged and said,"Your funeral, bud"and allowed it.
Loki strode into the hall, I imagine with a little springy bounce to his step. All of the other Gods hushed, probably wondering why he had come back in the first place. (I imagine Fimafengs body was still somewhere in the background, literally having only been killed like ten minutes ago). Loki announced:"Oh, dont stop the party on my account. Is anyone going to offer me a seat, or some mead? Rude". Bragi was the first to respond with,"No one wants you here, and therefore no one is going to offer you a seat". Loki slyly shrugged and was like,"I dont know man. Odin, dont you remember that one time when we became blood brothers? You said something like"For every drink poured for me, one for Loki too"? Something like that, I cant quite remember the exact wording but it was an oath-". And insert a heavy sigh and eyeroll from Odin, who offered him a spot where Vidar had been sitting to try and console him.
Vidar pours Loki a glass of ale. Loki raises it, goes to take a sip, then stops and smiles broadly as he says:"Blessings to the Aesir. To all the Gods here today! Except that jerkface Bragi over there in the corner, cowering behind his skirts". You can see Odin resisting the urge not to twitch and react. Bragi frowns, saying:"What is the deal, Loki? Do I need to bribe you to leave me alone? Nobody is trying to start a fight with you"to which Lokis like,"WHAT?? YOU WANT A FIGHT WITH ME? I COULDNT HEAR YOU VERY WELL. YOURE THE MOST BATTLE-SHY OF ALL THE AESIR". Bragi mumbled, threatening to decapitate Loki if they werent in a place of non-violence, which Loki laughed and encouraged.
Idunn mistakenly took this moment to chime in,"Bragi, calm yourself. Loki is Odins sworn brother and has right to be here. Dont try teasing and taunting him, as it will only result in more of this"as she probably gestured to Loki."Shut up, woman"he said,"Youre the most flirtaceous and unabashed woman here". Gefjon chimed in, asking why the two were fighting in the first place."Shut up, other woman"Loki said, as he proceeded to rip into her.Odin interrupted him,"Loki, you have to be absolutely mad to be raving like this, trying to anger Gefjon. She can see the future, as can I, and you probably dont want to be on her bad side".
You could probably see Lokis eye light up, as he was waiting for a chance to speak to Odin next."Shut up other woman, I mean Odin. You let the best warriors die in battle so you can increase your warrior stats in Valhalla. Sooooooo unmanly". Odin agreed,"Yes. Sometimes I grant lesser men victory, but that is not the most unmanly thing a God could do.. I think I recall once when you spent eight winters under the earth, disguised as a milkmaid, and gave birth to children. So whos the woman now?". Loki replied,"Still you though, fam. Do you remember when you were learning Seidr? Because I saw you dressed in skirts and tapping on drums like a chick. When you shapeshift you resemble a witch more than a man".
The"Im more of a man"battle would have continued, had not Frigga interrupted."You two should stop speaking of the past, stirring up anger and bad feelings". Loki turned to her without missing a beat,"Says you, who slept around with who knows how many of Odins brothers, amiright guys?". Frigga frowned and said,"If only my son, Baldr, were here to deal with you"to which Loki laughed and said,"Oh yeah. I totally forgot I killed that dude. Did you know I killed that dude? Well, if not, merry Christmas because I just gifted you with that tidbit of knowledge".
Freyja, exasperated, said,"Loki! You have to be crazy to admit in front of all of us that you would do such a thing!"Loki turned to her, next, and said"shut up woman. Do you want to talk about mistakes and things weve admitted to? Because Im pretty sure the amount of people youve been with would be a staggering number to recall. I cant think of anyone who wouldnt be able to raise their hand if asked if theyd been with you". Njord, who had been sitting quietly, responded:"Oh, whats the harm of a few love objects on the side? Besides, Loki, youre the one who genderswaps. And Im pretty sure you gave birth to a hORSE??"And Lokis like"Whatever, Njord, I heard you drink pee so thats that. BOOM. Youre disqualified to argue with me. Also your son Freyr is a sack of potatoes. Both him and his sister were born of incest between you and your sister, I think. How many extra digits do they have? One, two-"
Tyr finally had enough, and decided to stand up for Freyr:"Freyr is the best of all". Loki turned to him,"Oh shut your face, Tyr. Youre not really the God of Justice you proclaim to be. Dont think I dont see your stump-hand where Fenris-ulfr tore the thing straight off. Hard to act so self-righteous with that reminder, isnt it, stumps?"Tyr replied,"Yes, I lost my hand. But you lost your son, Fenris-ulfr. Let us leave the matter alone, as it hurts the heart". But loki wasnt having any of that,"Nah son. Im not done. PS, I slept with your wife". To which someone in the back went,"ooooooh sickkkkk".
Freyr finaly spoke,"Loki, shut up. We chained and fettered Fenris-ulfr. Continue to be a pest and well chain you up next to him". Byggvir also chimed in,"Yeah, you tell him Freyr. Youre the best". Loki laughed, basically dismissing Byggvir as irrelevant. Heimdall spoke from his seat,"Loki, Loki, you are most definitely drunk to be spewing all this mad smack in here. You need to learn to hold your booze better and restrain yourself"."Restrain your tongue, Heimdall, and shut up".Skadhi then spoke up,"You are playful now, Loki, but enjoy the freedom as it lasts. One day you will regret it, and the Gods will take that freedom from you". Loki said,"Blah blah, oh did you know that I was the first there and the last to leave when the Aesir gave your old man the one-two and killed him?"Skadhi said,"If thats true, you are not welcome from me. My shrines and fields are cold and bitter towards you"And Loki replied,"Thats not what you said the other day in your bed. PS GUYS, SHE INVITED ME TO HER BED. IF YOU DIDNT KNOW".
Sif, trying to probably stay out of Lokis spite, brought him a large horn full of mead."Please take this Loki. Hail to you. Spare me, at least, your insults". Loki nodded, drank from the horn, then sat it down and burped."Yeah, youre mostly without fault. Except that one time you slept with me in Thors, your husbands, bed". With sudden rumbling and trembling, Beyla commented that Thor was coming to impose peace in the hall and quiet Loki. Thor appeared, justifiably angry, and spoke to Loki:"Hold your tongue, you hateful spirit. Keep talking smack and Ill bash you upside the head with my hammer and smear that scraggly smile off your face"Thor and Loki continued to go back and forth, as Thor increasingly threatened to smash Lokis head in with his hammer. Eventually Loki was like,"Alright, alright. Fine. Sticks and stone may break my bones, but Thors hammer will kill me so Im out.