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My name on this site is Whitehair. That's simply because I have white hair. Nature gifted me with my first gray hair when I was 17 years old.
It is still difficult for me to show my real name on a site like this. Showing my real inner self has let to a lot off troubles when I was young. People didn't understand me. They saw me as a difficult child. I was different. I didn't fit in society. They spit at me, mentally abused me, constantly said that I was stupid and strange. As a result I ended up in the gutter when I was a teenager. I had to crawl out without anybody helping me.
But exactly that is what made me stronger year after year. I learned to shield myself, to heal my body and to control my feelings. I discovered that being happy is like a switch that you can turn on and off. Even on a day that I slept in a storehouse, wandering on the street being chased by a convicted fire dangerous criminal, trying to make my own food, I just said to myself: I am alive, so I am happy. I am alive, so I am happy, I am alive, so I am happy.....My first mantra.
The downside is that I disconnected myself. In those days I visualized an impenetrable shield, which protected me from the outside world. I kept that shield active for over 25 years. From the outside I have a very normal live. A wife, two children, great friends and a family that loves me. My spiritual capabilities are hidden for all of them. Sometimes I come across strangers (or animals) that simply want to touch me. When my friends or family ask me why, I simply say: It's a crazy person. But, of course in my heart I have a thousand questions for them.
A year ago I decided to slowly lower my shield. At first everything went very well, but a couple of months ago I felt drained from energy every morning when I woke up. One night I woke up in the middle of the night in a shock. I saw a shadow entity hovering above by bed, draining energy from me. I am still figuring out of this is my own unconsciousness: My own fear of showing the world who I really am, or if it is an entity that was attacking me? Since then I am looking for people to share knowledge en experience. Has anybody had a similar experience? What can it be?, and a more generic question: How to protect yourself when you're opening your spirit to the universe?
This site is not the perfect site for me because its main focus is spells. I never used spells. But I am very eager to learn. I think spells are an aid for creating energy focus. I normally use visualization or mantra techniques (repeating thoughts). However, this site is the best site I found untill now for exchanging knowledge about magic.
So I hope that we can learn a lot from each other. I strongly belief that learning and spiritual growth is the main purpose off life.
Maybe one day, I have the courage to show my real inner self to the world.