For 6 months i engaged daily with an occult practitioner (Crowley, sexual alchemy, Tarot, hermetic illuminism, spirit evocation, binding) in conjunction with explicit and covert hypno, plus NLP plus use of intox.
Her stated goal as a Goddess was to be venerated, for me to unite myself to her - and to have her essence consume my every thought.
Over our time i became more and more dependent upon her. i am an in-the-closet sissy - and she very much wanted me to embrace a trans life, including hormones, sub sex with guys, and chastity. After those initial 6 months, there was finally a MDMA-fueled 2-hour session which included the raising of my spirit from my body, and my intentional burning of that spirit (breathing in the smoke with specific chanting, and the discarding of the ashes). That spirit's remains were left behind, followed by astral projection, and then a "rebirth" as a result of a sexual experience with Pan.
I have sincerely felt like a different person ever since. Hollowed out. Disassociated. The new me has none of the same interests. She said that was on purpose, so I would only have her, submissive sex, and drugs. Years of that level of debasement would humble me for me life at her feet. I was furious that she did this without my permission. I've been staying away from her, but i think about her non-stop.
what should I do? I can explain how far i would go to not feel this empty. i understand that i'll never be the same. that person is gone. i hate myself, and thus i would be willing to be modified into whatever the right person wanted me to be - as long as i didn't feel this alone. for that right person i would take part in any and all rituals, etc they wanted. Phone, cam, whatever.
please don't dismiss this as the plight of some idiot ... I'm a 38 yo college grad and business owner ... my consent would most certainly be informed, and I would compensate for the time it took. ideally, we would talk on the phone 5 or 6 days a week. otherwise, my need to fill this emptiness will result in letting her take full control or, if alone for much longer, my total destruction. ANY advice about how i could be helped, and by whom, would be MUCH appreciated. Jamie