I am a quiet person who wanted to be alone but needed friends. Friends who accompany you through your ups and downs. Who are there for you whenever you have problems,problems that can emotionally destroy you. I live with music 'cause I believe music is like a diary. So much of our experiences are written in the lyrics whether through symbols or not. This collection is not meant to capture the hearts of many but as a way for people like me to feel like they are not alone.
The best thing about me, I guess, is my willingness to learn. I love finding out new things. I have an open mind and I absolutely abhor prejudice... I am a loner by nature, silent by choice and a recluse by circumstances. Even in real life I am this way. I would rather be silent than just talk to hear the silence be filled up with words. We waste too much energy trying to fill silence that needs not to be filled. I am sure some do it out of fear or maybe other reasons not known. I am sure being a loner has also played a part in my preference of silence. When you distant yourself from people within the world for various reasons you tend to become comfortable and accustomed to the silence that comes with it.
I am a walking contradictions at times. Or maybe it's just a personal balance. While I value the friends that I have, I do not have any issues with just walking away. This is one of those personal balances that I have.I feel that if a person is toxic, then I don't want to include them and have them drag me into a place I need not be. I focus on the positive. It makes me a better person. And in the end that's all I want to be is a better person. I do not have many friends, only quite a few. I find it easier for my comfort level this way. I've never been one that could balance out numerous things like that. Maybe it's because I mostly live within my own mind. I blame it on always isolating myself.
I know we all have struggles in our life. It's a given. They will happen. They are a part of life and something that we learn and grow from. I can barely remember some form of times where there wasn't a struggle in my life. Between my own personal battles it seems like all I know is some form of it. It seems like over the years it's gotten harder. Maybe it's just because as I grow older my heart is more on my sleeves. I am not sure. Things affect me differently now than they did years ago. At one time I was able to express feelings. To be able to feel comfortable with doing so and being around those that do. While it is hard for me to feel comfortable in doing so, I am learning to grow and express myself with those that care about me. Maybe over the years I have closed myself off, but with the love and support of the few close people I have in my life I learn and grow. I am able to do this better now. They understand and take what I say to heart. Without them I wouldn't have been able to come as far as I have.
I am a deep thinker. My mind is always wandering around to what if's and what was. I am not sure why. I think it is a trait I've inherited from my father. I've noticed he does the same thing. The joys of family traits! How wonderful. While I dread coming to this part I suppose I will discuss my recluse by circumstances statement. I will not bore you with all the horrible details as they are tedious and not something you're probably interested in. It is not something I shout from the roof tops. I do not like to be coddled, over indulged in people's sympathy or be a charity case because of it. It's part of life. I am coping and dealing with things the best I can. The best I can reflect on the outside, while the absolute crumbling I have is always inward. I am pretty sure I've probably wrote you into absolute boredom. And of course as I read this through, I realize that yet again, I have managed to talk, talk, talk and not quite reveal a lot of things about me. I have a bad habit of doing that. I am not sure why. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Or maybe I'm broken in that aspect as well. I guess we'll find out as some point in time won't we?
The things we choose to dislike and turn away from. I am not going to dwell a lot on this topic. I will share some of the peeves that are most important to me. The ones that I cannot let go of. I choose not to define myself by the negative, but they are something you just can't avoid.
I think lying is inevitable. It's going to happen regardless. What I cannot stand is lying just to lie or the constant lying after you've given someone a chance to redeem themselves by telling you the truth. That is something I cannot tolerate. We all make mistakes. It takes courage to own up to what you have done and say the words I am sorry. Lying to me is the quickest way for me to severe a friendship. I have done it before and I will not hesitate to do it again. Once I am finished I am finished there is no more. Those that take trust for granted; specifically mine. I do not trust a lot of people, so most the time I am very reserved in what I say. I take the trust that people put into me very seriously. I will not spread things around that have been said to me in confidence for personal gain or for vengeance. I would not want someone to do that to me, so I choose not to do it to them no matter how volatile the situation becomes.
I am horrible at idle chit chat. I think it has to do with the fact I do not like to fill the silence. It's just something I have never quite gotten the hang of. While I do idle chit chat every once in a while, I find it very difficult to enjoy unless it's with the right people. Most the time I find it awkward. One on One conversation can be awkward to me as well. I think it's because I am quiet. I do better in group situations since I can flutter back and forth and my attention span isn't stretched to its limit.
Some assumptions grind my nerves. While I am quiet and reserved I am far from stuck up. I do not think I am better than everyone. Some yes, everyone no. Yes, I realize that some people aren't going to like me. I am fine with that. I am 100% comfortable in realizing that I cannot please everyone and everyone cannot please me. It's life. It's going to happen. We move on to different things. I would say I am not fond of dramatic antics, but actually I am rather fond of the entertainment as long as it is not in malice. Actually let me elaborate. By dramatic antics I mean those that choose to vent their frustrations and dislikes in an enjoyable manner. What I do not like, however, is that there are some people who are mean just to be mean. There is no sense in it or reason for it. If you feel the need to bully, belittle people or inflate your own ego by being hurtful to others then you need to work on your inner turmoil. Also the people who bandwagon jumps into arguments that has nothing to do with them. This is one of the most irksome things I have seen. And in pretty much most of the situations they are people who thrive on conflict and do not care to get the whole story but choose to act a fool and then look asinine when they are proven wrong. There is a time and a place to do this. Most of this that I have seen is neither the time nor the place. But then again, what do I know? I cannot understand how people can be overly pessimistic about everything. Granted there are going to be things that we are pessimistic about, but when everything you say is negative it becomes a real bore. I personally do not want to surround myself with someone like that. A person's mood can influence my own. I've lived enough of my time down in that hole on my own doing. I do not wish to venture down that hole with someone else's doing.
Okay I think I've ventured down that path long enough. It's time to move on. So now the time has come to bid the big farewell. I hope I did not bore you too much with my ramblings. And I do hope it made sense. There are times when my mind is jumbled with so many things it's hard to have them all make sense. Anyways, may you enjoy your journey through life and live each day as it were your last.
And one more thing I tend to ignore mails/PMs that asks for a spell such as vampire spells, lycan spells, and the like because there are huge differences between living in the material world and living in the ethereal world... Basically I don't do spells for other people :)
Thanks for dropping by... +++ Blessed be +++ ...