on Oct 16, 2011
I'm a new member to the site (at the time of this posting) but I've been browsing it for some time reading up lots of different things. I made a brief welcome post: http://www.spellsofmagic.com/read_posts.html?post=353017
This is going to be an extremely long and sincere post for help.
I hope not so long that people won't actually read it. I apologize in advance for the length, I don't think I'm very good at being concise but I am trying to put in as many details as I can to make sense of this crazy complex situation.
I'm not looking for "traditional relationship advice" as I have found many seem to give on this forum, I get plenty of traditional advice from friends that I talk to.
I'm here because this site is about magic and I'm really looking for a way to deal with this situation magically. I've spent a tremendous amount of time thinking and considering on what I want and if I do in fact want to involve some kind of magic into this and I believe that I do if it can help.
So I ask in respect that you don't tell me things like "I should just walk away" or similar comments. I'm not planning to walk away from this. I believe have the virtue of patience and am willing to wait for things to work out, I'm not looking for an instant solution and am willing to constantly work at this.
And I'm sure there has been many similar posts to mine before this, a lot of people are always asking for help on love situations. I don't consider my personal situation any more important than any others but I just ask, from one sincere open minded person to another that I have no harmful intent and only care for the people in my situation but it's a very complex situation and no matter the outcome, it is very likely that at least one person (probably more) are going to be hurt. This makes me sad but I am trying to come up with a solution that will ease some of that hurt.
The Complex Situation:
I have been good friends with a woman (who has two grown children, one who lives with her) for at least 4 years now (since early 2007), actually approaching 5 years. As long as I have known her she has not been happy in her marriage. She lived in a romantic-less marriage, her and her husband hadn't made love in years (again, as long as I have known her and for years before that).
At the time I had my own relationship issues and I had zero interest in her romantically. We were good solid friends for 3 years, very good friends, in fact she grew to become probably my best friend, we had enormous trust in one another and just connected with one another on a level I don't recall ever experiencing with anyone else in my life.
Now the husband was never a bad guy from what I understand. They were together for a very long time, over 20 years, but she claims that as much as up to the last 10 years of the marriage were not good and only got continually worse over time. He is a loving and caring father who treated the daughters very well and they also love him very much but for whatever reason the two just didn't quite get along. It got to the point where she wouldn't even talk to him half the time anymore.
In the first half of 2010 they couldn't stand living together any longer and the husband finally moved out.
Me and her never intended for anything to happen between us, we never planned anything, but once he was gone something just changed. Me and her always had a tremendous respect for one another and I guess we both realized how much we enjoyed one another's company and and a romance was born.
We spend a solid year (about 14 months) until... her younger daughter who was still living with her decided to get married. So her and her husband had been living apart for a year now, but through the planning of the wedding they were of course together a lot, all the family was.
The woman cares extremely much for her daughters and grand-daughters (of course, I would expect nothing less) and during the course of the wedding planning the daughters pressured her and convinced her to "try again" with the husband...
Now... everyone I know who I have explained this situation too believes her actions to be ridiculous, why on earth would she want to try again with this guy that things sucked so bad with for so many years... she told me she put the happiness of her daughters before herself and made a rash and foolish decision in a family discussion with all of them to consider trying again...
Ugh... just thinking about the whole situation right now is making me shake my head because I know she got herself into something that she wasn't sure of. The situation is just so insanely complex as to the reason everything happened I feel like I would write forever trying to explain it all but I'll try to leave some parts out.
The guy who the daughter was marrying was from another country and when they came here to stay for a week for the wedding the husband gave up his apartment and moved back in with the woman during that week so they could stay there.
Me and her still talk on a regular basis about the whole situation and she says things moved waaay too fast and that she was only "considering" the idea of them being back together.
She tells me that *even now* he would not be living with her if he hadn't have had to give up his place for them but after they left back to their own country she says she didn't feel right kicking him back out if they were supposed to be trying.
She tells me that if it wasn't for the wedding, none of this would even be happening and she was never ever considering or even thinking of trying again with the husband until the daughters brought it up and bugged her a pushed about it.
Not only that but the day that they had the family discussion where she said she was open to maybe trying again... the husband... who was seeing another woman at the time, went home that night and broke up with her so they could try again.
So she tells me that she kind of got trapped back into this relationship way too fast and that she may have made a mistake by agreeing to consider something again between them.
She tells me she is terribly torn now between me and her family. She tells me she badly wants to be with me and she doesn't have feelings for her husband at all still. They are merely living together. They aren't fighting like they used to because they both agreed to have patience and try to work out past issues. But all they are doing is merely living together. Still they have not made love again, they don't spend time together or go on date or are even really trying anything other than living together.
Wait that's not true, they try to go on one date... and the entire time she was with him she was texting me telling me she wishes she was with me instead... /sigh - after they just went home and she went immediately to sleep.
Now for the sake of this discussion, because she has made this decision "for her family" - here is why this is such a big issue now.
First of all, the daughter who just got married is going to be living with her and the husband for the next 2 to 3 years. The daughter's new husband can not work in my country, he can't seem to get a work permit for whatever reason and his citizenship process is going to take a good 2 years. On top of that there are other issues with the daughter that make her dependent on them until the husband can start to work.
She has told me straight up directly that she wishes she could somehow maintain what's going on right now, with her family just living together, the husband being there to support the kids with her, but somehow have the freedom of having her own separate romantic life with me, she would want that more than anything.
She feels absolutely trapped because she had this discussion with her family and the husband broke up with his girlfriend to do this and she feels if she was to go to them and tell them that she made a mistake in this decision and that this is not what she truly wants, that her entire family would hate her and she wouldn't get to have contact with her daughters or granddaughters anymore.
She feels the choice of choosing me would mean losing her family and the choice of choosing her family would mean losing me and she can not bare the thought of either one. So she has decided right now to make no decision and to just "slide along" passing the time.
Every single person that I know who knows her doesn't think she's going to be happy in her marriage again and she's already proving that. She's not giving her husband any affections whatsoever and I believe they will likely just end up slowing becoming impatient and angry with one another again over time.
She tells me she's constantly sad since she made this choice... and she's tired of being sad and just has this tremendous fear of losing those who she loves.
She says she can't make a decision because it's too hard of a choice, she cares for me as much as she does her girls and doesn't want to let either go, so she makes no decision.
I have tried to explain to her that she would not lose the love of her girls and her family, sure the husband will be very hurt, but she has made a terrible mistake getting back into this and I've tried to convince her to just talk to them and tell them that she's made a mistake but she fears none of them will understand and that they will hate her, which I think is crazy... her family isn't mean like that and I believe they would be compassionate if she only explained her mistake.
She says she can totally be "friends" with the husband but that she feels nothing for him no matter how much she tries.
So like I said at the top of the mail... I realize one of my choices is to walk away. And that advice has been given to me by some friends, but not by all. Closer friends who know me and her better have told me, while it may be torturous for me, if I feel I can wait for her to figure out her life better than to go for it.
I have told the woman to cut me off if she is serious about trying things with her husband it's the only way, she says she can absolutely not do it, she can not cut me off and that she want to be with me and that if she had to cut me off she would be even more sad than she is now stressing about the idea of losing people.
I have personally made the decision after countless countless hours of thinking deeply on it. I know that I am willing to stand by and have patience with her. I only wish I could do more to help her situation, to make things easier.
And this is the part where I need your guys help and the help of magic...
First, let me just say that I am willing to do next to anything (with the exception of leaving her/cutting her off) to accommodate this situation. I have completely accepted the extreme complexity of it all and realize it may continue to be very complex for a long time and I am willing to make any compromise necessary.
I have even told her that I would be okay if her and her husband could have a talk and somehow agree to remain living together in the same house for as long as is needed to take care of the newly wed daughter but make some kind of agreement with him that they can have their own separate romantic lives and they would only stay together purely as "parents taking care of their children". Almost like roommates.
She loves the idea but she is terrified to present it because she knows he would never agree to it and he would either leave again or cause her to have to leave, in-turn, causing her family to hate her (so she thinks).
I'm looking for suggestions on what I can do to magically help this situation.
I want to cause as little pain as possible to all parties involved. I only have good intention and care in my heart for this woman and also for her family. I don't hate the husband by any means and don't wish to see him hurt badly either but realize that it may well be unavoidable.
Either I am going to be hurt badly by getting cut off, and she will likely be hurt very badly by that too.
Or the husband is going to get hurt and quite possibly the family as well.
I don't believe I want to cast any divorce spells or anything like that to tear them apart, I don't want to cause that kind of anguish and pain.
I would be perfectly content for them to continue to remain parental friends and be able to take care of their family together. I would be okay with them living together to accomplish this.
I just want each of them to be happy in just such a situation though. She told me that the husband asks her what she's doing and tries to have discussions with her about working harder on their marriage. I asked her what she tells him and she says she ignores the questions and doesn't tell him anything. :(
Okay... yes... this woman clearly has some communication issues and irrational fears that she can't even discuss the situation and her feelings with the guy... and if she continues on this path things are only going to be far worse months down the road...
Right now the best thing I can think of us spells of understanding...
If she is unwilling to suggest the idea of being friends to the husband... perhaps I can use a spell to put the idea into his head somehow and have him suggest it to her? I'm certain she would agree.
Plus on the other hand, the husband was seeing someone who he broke up with to try this again... he was happy with her, he broke up with her under false pretenses that this woman would give their marriage a serious effort again but she is not doing so and she doesn't seem to want to do so. The longer she goes on like this the more hurt she will cause in the end I think.
Maybe a spell to bring the husband and the woman he broke up with somehow back together... honestly I have no idea... I'm grasping at straws trying to come up with an idea that would help "fix" their situation in someway.
Now I realize I could probably do some kind of honey-jar spell on behalf of this woman and her husband and have them maybe start liking each other again. But I will admit that out of my own selfishness I of course don't want to do that. As much as I care for this woman... I don't want to lose her. We all have our flaws... and I also realize I could cast a spell on myself to help me to give up on her and to let her go.
I don't want either of those types of spells. I want somehow for everyone to end up happy (including myself). Yes there will be some pain and turmoil in the midst of it all...
But does anyone have any clue what I could possibly do to give me and her what we want but at the same time not destroy her family?
Like I have said I'm willing to compromise and accommodate and consider nearly any situation as long as it doesn't involve me having to leave her.
She just made a bad choice in the fantasy of the wedding planning environment, she made a rash decision that she admits she wasn't even fully sure of at the time but made it for the sake of her family without considering herself. She wishes she could go back and undo that...
I have patience, I've told her I will continue to wait for her to figure things out and that my patience hasn't even come close to wearing thin yet.
How can I help her? Any suggestions?