on May 28, 2017
This will be a rather long post, and I'm not sure if it is in the right location. I suppose what I'm asking is advice or opinions on what this could mean to help me figure out what to do from here. A few hours ago I woke up from a dream, or experience where I was in my "Inner-mansion" and I was led to a room that I've been trying to get to for quite some time.. If you have the time to read through and give me your take on it, it would be most helpful.
I was led through to the basement of my inner-self, all the rooms and hallways seemed to go on forever, like a labyrinth. I felt scared, as I had many times when being led into the dark, as I do not have the best tract record with the beings that dwell there. I chose not to fight it this time however, and instead said "I trust you" feeling a slight twang in myself. It was as if the many different aspects of myself were simply under a sheet of skin that was "me". I conversed with "them" only a bit as I auto-pilot walked down the corridors, letting the other sides of me lead the way.
Deeper and deeper I went, 5 or more times down stairwells, it became more menacing to look at each level. Darker and darker it grew until the only way to see was the dull red light that permeated the air. As I walked yet another hall I heard myself say "Almost there", and I rounded a final corner to face a single room. Though as I looked into the doorway I saw only a mess of random shapes turning in on themselves, as if it was a kaleidoscope.
I got the feeling something was keeping me from seeing through, or perhaps was in the process of deleting what was there. I got up the courage and walked through into the room. As I looked around it seemed empty save for some old furniture. The walls and ceiling bare, but also alive. They moved as if streams of data from the Matrix absorbed the dated colors of the walls. It seemed to be erasing or hiding what was in the room to keep it from me. The doorway continuing to look as a kaleidoscope.
Clusters of the "Matrix Data" were along the walls at about head height looked almost like a clot, perhaps having been paintings once I felt. The clusters were labeled, the ones I remember had negative human personality traits on them, I was sure there to be positive ones further down as well. I peeled one of the clusters off the wall, it tore like paper leaving a bare spot in its place. A sort of red mark was carved into the wall. A half circle or crescent with lines etched through it, it almost looked like cult symbols, and beside it the name of the emotion or trait also in red.
I passed over a few more, refusing to tear all of them free, instead I felt as though I was choosing what I wanted to "free". A woman with the likeness of my mother (though not exactly) appeared. I do not remember the conversation, but I get the feeling she was against me in some way, perhaps she was part of the reason this room was so chaotic and bare. She spoke to me, saying that since I was losing myself I would have to put someone else in charge. I got the sense she was referring to someone outside of myself, but I immediately thought of anger, or the "leader" aspect of myself.
I did not feel as if I agreed with her, and instead found myself grabbing her with a single hand under her ribs, lifting her off the ground. She was a full grown woman, and I thought to myself "This should be hard, I should be struggling", but my grip and strength remained firm, it felt natural. She looked at me in a look I can only say to be worry and annoyance. She sort of whimpered as she told me I was using my demon, as if to scold me.
I felt no fury, or other negative emotion associated with the title "demon", though I did feel anger towards losing this rooms information, and I felt she had a part to play in it. I threw her to the corner of the room, and she fell behind an old blue couch against the wall. I quickly moved over to it, knowing once I lost sight of her she would be gone, sure enough she was. I slumped against the wall looking back over the room, the "Matrix" still swirling about the walls, covering or erasing what was there before.
I raised my hand, trying to focus on something I can't explain, saying words that made no sense but came from within me. The walls had a reaction in a way, almost as if what was under the mess was attempting to break through, as if surfacing from water. I could only clear a small space in the top corner of the room before I stopped, it felt impossible. Laying back I looked around, noticing that something half emerged over the couch where I had thrown the woman.
I ran over and pulled it from the wall, trying to take it all in as it began to disappear from the top to bottom. It was a painting, holding perhaps 5 people in it I wasn't sure. They stood close together in a sort of heroic pose, I got the feeling the nearest center was me taking up the majority of the canvas, sort of amusing to me as he reminded me of superman.
I could not get a good look at any of the faces, as they had begun to disappear too quickly, so I took to studying the only thing that stood out. The man next to me had a sort of badge, or amulet over his chest in silver. I felt difficulty absorbing it in order to remember clearly, but I am sure it was a sort of bulldog. The painting then vanished, the picture turning to beads of water now clinging to a mirror. I sat down clutching it to my chest, feeling very sad I began to cry.
I had not noticed him enter, but was not shocked when he spoke. I do not know the exact conversation, but the gnome sized man with a red beret and green carpet looking jacket pulled out painting supplies and a canvas. He began painting me as I sat there the mirror tightly to my chest. He asked me to adjust myself and take on a more "leader like" appearance. I complied, moving to look into the mirror with determination, sort of a play on myself I think "To meet sadness with determination". I began to feel the "tug" of waking up, he in turn asked what should be done with the portrait? I muttered to keep it before pausing, and offered the alternative, to destroy it. Then I woke... sort of happily disappointed in a way.
Thank you for reading, I'm sure most of the "information" will come to me as it usually does, though this being something new to me I felt I had to share and ask for opinions. I have quite a history with this, though this was the first time I felt I could "trust" the process (and walk into that darkness).. I'm not quite sure what I got out of it yet.