It's been a long time since I've been here. A very long time, actually. In my time away, I've been through a lot of things. It seems that I may have picked up a curse or hex or just general bad mojo along my journey, and I'm having a difficult time banishing it or even just combating it. I need some advice or even help to get myself back to where I once was.
A bit of background, I suppose, is in order. A long while ago, I got involved with a real-life vampire group called House Rakoczy. There was a whole ordeal and back and forth about me being what they were looking for, whether or not I was upreshi (what they call vampires) or fae, and just general... dislike of me being there. Eventually I was granted the position of prospect and began to study their way of doing things. It was interesting, to say the least. But that isn't where this stems from, nor is it the reasoning for this post. I was living with one of their members, and another prospect, during my time with them. He became a long-haul trucker to support himself and his children through child support. During his travels, or maybe before, he met a woman who was a self-proclaimed Satanist. She followed Watain, a specific type of spiritual Satansim that follows the band of the same name and their beliefs. Mostly what I remember is that their music, and music in general, was their mass. Doesn't seem so bad at first glance, so I thought nothing much of it. But then he brought the woman back to our home. The feelings I got off of her were repugnant and vile, to say the least. Every single warning bell I had went off at once when she stepped through the door. But, hey, I was living with them for essentially free. I couldn't complain, and maybe it was a false alarm.
As time went on, she became more and more controlling. Even though she didn't live there, and neither the man or here were there for 9/10ths of the time, she felt as though she was the queen of the kingdom and picked on the other prospect that was in the house. A kerfuffle happened. I sided with the other prospect. At the end of it, both the other prospect and I were kicked out of both the house and House Rakoczy. This devastated her, but personally, I felt like I just dodged a bullet. After a small while, we fell out of contact.
Ever since then, however, I have failed to hold down a job for more than a few months (with one exception, when I was living with a self-proclaimed fae, I held a job for a little over a year. Lost it when I moved across the country and even they became control freaks) and even couldn't hold relationships for anything. I moved out of the country to be with a woman who's been in love with me for over five years. That fell apart after six months (according to her). I guess I'm at a loss here.
I've tried a lot of things, from banishing to warding, and things still stay the same. When I moved, I fell out of practice, generally just doing some things by habit (warding the house, cleansing the area once when I moved). Then I tried to celebrate a holiday, and things went sideways. My health hasn't always been the greatest, but it took a turn for the worse and has been even more poor since, and there's been a mold and bug infestation in the room where I tried to cast the circle (keep in mind, I only tried to cast a circle, and I couldn't even do that). Any advice? Or maybe a little help in figuring out what's going on?
You have quite the background and apparently have gone through quite a lot. All of the situations you have described bring a tremendous amount of anxiety and stress and if not managed or dealt with correctly can lead to building up negative energy. Do you have an alternative outlet that you use to decompress, meditate or ground yourself? It does not appear at first glance that you have a hex or curse on you, but regardless they are only as strong as you allow them to be. If you do a cleansing and grounding meditation and disregard what has happened in your past and focus on your future you can prevent that negative energy from returning.
Now easier said than done, I know. Being in a situation where you are struggling, if it be financially, emotionally (relationships) or even location (where you live/lack of living space) it is important to understand the emotional toll that all of that brings upon you. Consider seeking outside help, there is nothing wrong with that and honestly sometimes speaking to someone (therapist) to just vent and get off your chest things that are bothering you that you can't talk to others about, can be extremely uplifting. I know that not everyone has insurance or can cover the cost of seeking out a service like this, but if you can (some places will work on a sliding scale) the benefits are tremendous. I also advocate strongly not just mental health concerns but physical concerns. If you can swing it, a massage is such a beneficial means of really de-stressing and allowing your body to re-set.
I know all of this seems simple and not really a strong answer to what you are seeking, but these little things will improve your mind greatly and you will notice that the negative energy (which is what I feel is attached to you and is causing all of these issues and concerns) will start to lift. You don't realize how much you play into it, and just listing all of these concerns, from the situation with the House Rakoczy, the individual you got bad vibes from, your employment, living, relationships and physical health are all being effected by that energy you are carrying.
I wish there was more I could help you with. Hopefully others will chime in with more advice. I believe you are off center and this energy around you and within you needs to be cleansed somehow.
I do agree that there is a lot of negative emotions within my life. Heck, my life has been chuck full of them. Everything from being forced into foster care to becoming completely homeless to a fire burning down my apartment. But I'm not 100% convinced that there's no outside influence. I do have outlets for the negativity, and not going to lie that they're kind of stock outlets that may be a little crappy - journals and video games, but even when I was going to therapy, these things were happening. I've spent a lot of time pouring over every thing in my life. One of the first things that I learned is to find the mundane explanation to a mystery before coming to conclusions that it must be magickal. Everythinag that has been magickal in my life has been very subtle to me at first, like a candle glowing brighter when calling the elements or a breeze blowing through when you think to yourself how nice it would be to cool off. This has lead me to the conclusion that magick is in itself a subtle thing, until it isn't. Then, it first must be attempted to be explained without magickal thoughts or reasonings behind it. Is that person really possessed? Or are they just having a mental breakdown or off their meds? That sort of thing. That's why I am really stumped here. Barring messing up my own life on purpose for some masochistic pleasure, the only things that I can really think of that could explain it are some sort of hex, curse, etc. from back in those days, or that I am just really, really unlucky and drew the karmic short straw. I'll do my best to follow your advice- I won't knock it until I've tried it, obviously, but I think that there /has/ to be something more going on here, as I've exhausted my search into other avenues.
I can relate to the feeling that you were born unlucky. For a very long time I felt this way, in fact there are times when I still feel this way. I always say "Oh its because I'm cursed." I was born unlucky. Anytime good things happen, bad things take over and ruin it for me. I thought this was for so long honestly believing that I was being punished in this life for a past life in which I did very bad things. Where I came up with this notion, I will never really know or understand. Maybe there is truth to it, maybe not. But after a while I started studying behavior. I got a degree in Behavioral Science and Psychology. I got a master in Criminal Behavior. I started learning and understanding that my perception of bad luck, which is it bad and the things that happen are very bad and difficult, are big to me, but from another viewpoint they aren't big at all.
Let me put it to you this way, I interviewed many people in my work. Many offenders, felons, drug addicts and just average every day people. All of them have told me their struggles, and their bad luck. Their issues and problems to me don't seem that bad, but to them its the end of the world. So really everyone has bad luck and struggles and difficulty dealing with depression and every day life. Some are better at managing it than others. I try to remind myself when I am feeling at my lowest and extremely sad and depressed that this is not the end, its really not so bad and I am capable of getting through it.
With your thoughts and perception on being cursed, you may be. I still feel I am somehow cursed, despite trying to think positive and take each blow in stride. I did notice that when I focused on the bad things happening and only spoke about them to seek out support and sympathy, I attracted more negative energy. It was harder to get out of that "funk" then if I were to give off positive energy. Its not easy, not at all.
With your situation maybe try looking into a curse breaking ritual. Something you can do every morning to try and ground and cleanse so your outlook is more positive. I started using crystal grids, not so much to believe it will ensure a excellent day but to connect with nature each morning, and trust that the crystals will help guide me to making better decisions. It does not mean my day won't have its downfalls, like it did the other day when I was not only late to work because I chose to go a different way and got stuck behind a painting truck painting lines on the road, and then got to work to find I had a hole in my tire....see it feels like it never ends, but those minor bad luck things, and they are minor, to me feel like a massive burden. I stopped and refreshed and realized all the issues could be resolved. I worked later to make up the time and I got the tire fixed for $10. In the moment it can seem overwhelming.
I really wish you the best. If you do need to vent frustrations I am always open to speaking with anyone who is really down. I would rather someone reach out, even to me a stranger, just to be able to vent to someone about the things that are building up rather than keeping it all in.
Good luck and keep us posted on your progress in breaking this bad luck curse.