Im really, really sorry in advance for this, it's just been a big problem for me.
It's been on my chest for a while now, and I just can't ignore it anymore. I love my spirituality, and feel a connection to the gods, but there's growing doubts in my mind about the existence of deities, magic and even my own UPGs. I hate to admit it, but I think it's grown so much that its almost a fear, and I confess with shame that I've even begun to avoid articles like "God Disproved" or "The Great Illusions of Witchraft" because of how fragile a state my belief has been in. It's like I want to believe, like I do believe and feel that presence in my life, but there's just one big blockage in my head that won't let me be. I keep comming back to the same doubts, and I mean no offense whatsoever to anyone here with what I say here; "is it just one big self-delusion", "are my experiences and UPGs just 'in my head'", "can I trust the gods? Do they even care?" It's taken a lot for me admit all this, but I have because I'm afraid and desperate for something- I'm not sure exactly what- but something to guide me, even just a comforting word. I feel lost, alone and afraid, but I decided to turn here finally to release this everything I've kept back until now.
Sorry if this sounds, I don't know, silly? I didn't really understand how much it's been bothering me until now.
Don't sweat it, I was in your shoes only weeks ago for at least a month or two. Sometimes we need to take a little break. Now I don't mean stop believing in total, but set aside time to care for yourself. Have a cup of tea and ease your mind.
Sometimes the stress of our daily lives overwhelms us and our judgement. So it's okay to slow down and take a breather when you need to. It isn't a race :).
i know the feeling of one day doubting your heartfelt beliefs, it is painful and scary. you might need some time on your own to breath and think. i know many pagans who have gone through something similar, especially after reading a bunch of books and practising every day, suddenly they feel drained and just stop for a period of time. i suggest going for a walk in nature and just listen/observe the world around you, don't worry about the 'ifs' and 'buts' just relax and observe. its a good idea to do this daily, but don't force yourself.
meditation might help you too. don't meditate to find your deity, meditate to find yourself. just breath and relax, you might have a million thoughts, an annoying song, or nothing, just go with it. eventually you will calm and connect with yourself. a deity could contact you in this state, but don't go into it with that as your primary focus or you will be disappointed.
regarding your do my gods care question, they do, you just probably haven't connected with them yet, haven't welcomed them in, or your fears have shut them out. this could also be a transition for you and your deities are watching from afar because it's something you must discover.
try doing some self love and self reflection instead of focusing so hard on magick and spirituality. make a list of personal beliefs and try to live by them without any religious attachment to them, see which views serve you and which don't. i also highly recommend journalling, you can get a lot off your chest and perhaps find answers too. don't worry about what you put down because you're the only person who will see it. after some time has passed [i usually wait about a month] go back and read your old entries, see if theres any repeat themes or questions you may have found answers too. you may even find some negative habits you wish to change.
like i said, the same thing happened to me, a few times actually, its scary, but one day you might stumble back into things. with my spiritual practice i stopped reading and practising for a couple years, one day i was walking home and i suddenly got this feeling [hard to describe] and i started practising again but differently. i found some books on incorporating spirituality into your daily life, started working on myself and connecting with my deities. don't fret, just go slow.
Yea, sometimes people do get really stressed out with stuff like this. I had the same problem a while back. You'll come back to a normal feeling eventually. So you're gonna be fine. Just hang on and try and meditate a bit to clear your mind.
This happens to me a lot at times, then I feel the need to withdraw from the outside influences and tools and look within, meditating more is a good way to tune in to what your core is really saying to you !! The answer only lies within you .when your ready it will be there for you to see and feel clearer. In a way this is could be a positive sign of being ready.. we often loose touch with things and need withdraw within for a while..only to come back with greater gifts, meanings and purpose. Hope this helps ! Blessings .
Doubt is a part of being human. I agree that meditation may be the way to go. calming the conscious mind and quiet are medicine for the soul. I have a sign hanging in my kitchen that reads; Let us be silent that we may hear the voice of God. Ralph Waldo Emerson.