I need help. And I apologize in advance for how long and nutty this is. There are SO MANY layers to this issue I'm having, and I've tried to whittle it down to the basics.
It still turned out long. Sorry!
In 2012, when my daughter was a little over a year old, my husband(Ted) and I moved out of LA to my hometown.
Ted and I were both freelancers in LA for years prior to this move. When it became painfully clear that we weren't going to just slip into a routine, the stress hit a fever pitch I've never known the likes of.
It was a matter of months before I came back to Wicca in search of spiritual comfort.
It came as a great relief. Especially when I found fellow Pagans near me to bounce off of.
The move was ridiculously sloppy into my Nana's old, super small, dilapidated house that's been in our family since 1945-ish.
To this day, our stuff still lives in storage, and we still haven't figured out what to do with the house. My mother ultimately owns it, and is in charge of what happens next. But likes to change her mind, thus keeping us on hold.
This has left me living in what would be fairly deemed a 750sq ft shack, which doubles as my sewing studio. So basically, we're living IN my work studio.
In August 2014, Ted was hired by some of these Pagan folks to do work on their house that no licensed contractor would do. They wanted all sorts of unpermitted work done.
At this time, his mom also entered the final stages of ALS 800 miles north. He needed to go to be with her and his sisters, but he also wanted to finish the job as not to leave the the job site hanging.
This was the first job that was going according to plan, with no schedule bombs like all of his prior jobs, and there was the possibility of future work in it for him.
Finally!! Something good was panning out for him! Or so we thought...
Ted invoiced them. They didn't pay him. He waited. They called to confront him and accused of of lying about being licensed. He was shocked. He got mad. They had no idea what to do with him, but made it clear that they had no intentions of paying him, despite a very damning text exchange on their part as recent as 2 days before this call was placed admitting they owed him money.
So instead, they went out and told people old friends of mine about it, including that Ted threatened to shoot them, and they were considering a restraining order after refusing to pay him for 5 weeks worth of work.
The wife says she's a powerful psychic. Apparently she's widely revered for her "talents".
I'm so sorry, but since she proclaims to be so intuitive, I couldn't help but ask/call out why she would have kept Ted under their roof with their two young girls for 5 weeks, since she really should have been able to pick up on what a horrible psycho path they subsequently made him out to be. Nobody had an answer for me. Ted was just suddenly a gun toting scary guy.
I have no words for how ridiculous this is to me. I had no idea people could be so gross.
Considering the amount of proof that they lied about us we have, this was the most mind blowing thing that's happened to us, I think ever.
Essentially he was ripped off. Badly. At the beginning of December. And he was leaving town to dote on his dying mom.
I did an abundance ritual for him. It worked very well. A little too well.
Now he wants us to move north. I totally see why. This town didn't work out for him, and his hometown has become the land of milk and honey when he's not lifting his mom in and out of bed. But in order to move, I have to take my little girl away from my mom, which presents a whole new round of anxiety for me, as I'm extremely guilty by nature.
In the meantime, I'm here single parenting my little girl with a car that won't get me further than the store (We're on month 7) hearing about friends talking about us based on utter lies.
(In fairness, I finally got Ted's mom's car to drive further than the store last weekend. A positive!)
I have a business that's never getting off the ground because of what little time/focus/energy I have during the day, and the only person I really have to talk to is my mother, who seems to only want to be angry herself these days (now that's a horse of an entirely different color, yet just as stressful.)
Basically, but for my little girl, I get absolutely no joy out of life whatsoever. And I've TRIED! Oh LORDY, have I tried.
I was the one who spent all of 2013/14 marching around here saying that a positive attitude will be the quickest route out of this mess.
It was obnoxious.**I** was obnoxious. And I feel I was totally wrong.
When Ted was ripped off, lied about, and I've since found gossiped about among friends, or shall I say "friends" I've have for 20+ years, it just hit a new level of hopelessness.
I've never had so much anger. When people become toxic to me, they're gone. I'm not into confrontation one bit. Especially when it's source makes me this angry.
I find myself in the middle of the night just fantasizing about horrible things happening to these awful people.
I can't seem to control it.
I need some serious help.
Since we've been here I cannot help but believe that there may have been a hex of some sort that we brought back from LA. It all really started down there and just keeps going. Possibly progressing?
Chances are, we'll be moving to Ted's hometown after his mom dies.
My hometown has been nothing short of a 3 year long nightmare filled with setbacks.
And I am SO tired.
Clearly there's a lot to my story. If you've made it this far, thank you! I hope my scrambled mind set hasn't made this hard to understand.
What's brought me here this morning is around 2am I was doing it again. Fantasizing about hurting them. About an hour later, I had a dream that something happened to my little girl, and woke up in tears. (karma)
So I tried meditating.
I couldn't seem to get robot faces out of my visions, but would occasionally see the color royal purple.
It sort of came in and out like when you try to start a fire.
Then I woke up.
I need advice, a reading, a ritual, an exorcism(?), an ANYTHING!
I just need to get rid of this anger.
I'm afraid that my energy is so messed up at this point that anything I could do would go all "willy nilly" or something.
I am absolutely NOT an angry person. I really hate this.
AFTERTHOUGHT~ I'm very grateful for having a house at all, a healthy mom, creative talent out the wazoo, a gorgeous, hilarious, healthy daughter, and an honest loyal husband.
I actually DO count my blessings often, and despite what I may complain about, and letting take over my life.
So, I read through your entire situation... and what I have to say is
It is okay to be angry. You were wronged, in a horrible way, and anger isn't a bad thing. I think a lot of what is stressing you is the fact that you feel like you have to push the anger away as soon as possible, but you don't. You need time to work through that emotion.
Letting anger stew and stay longer than it needs to can turn into a horribly obsessive thing, that will eat away at you. But being angry is natural. I think you just need to accept and work through this emotion. Write about what you are feeling on a piece of paper, put every ounce of that emotion into what you write, and then, when you feel you have said everything you can, let it go. Burn the paper, and as it burns, picture your anger leaving with it. Realize that you weren't in the wrong for being angry, and your desire to harm the people who caused this anger was only a result of that anger, and you can let the anger go and give yourself some well deserved peace.
I sincerely want to thank you for your thoughts.
I'm going to do exactly what you've suggested.
The BEAST that this anger has become has prevented me from being more productive, and I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm 43 with a 4 year old, and I dread the fact that I will look back on this precious phase of her life with such hatred.
I'm committed to the Wiccan Rede, and feel as though I've violated the very core of it's purpose.
As much as I DETEST being a drama queen, your response brought tears. Thank you.
Re: Letting go of A LOT-anger By: Star.Child / Novice
Post # 6 Jun 09, 2015
We are human. When we are wronged, we tend to get angry. It is a very powerful emotion. You can either ground it to earth (She knows how to deal with it), or you can use this energy to make things better. I got so angry over something happening to, but I used the power of it, not the anger itself, but the power of it, to put a protection spell up that has lasted a long time. You seem to be going in the right direction by moving to him, rather than just trying to survive where you are. Home town doesn't always stay as you remember it. You came back at a different time of your life, so it seems everything changed, which it probably did. Go, be with your husband. It's your strength, from what I read, that you both share. It's not that far from your mom, and there is always the phone, and skype, to keep in contact. I was going to say to take those people who didn't pay to small claims court. You have proof in your texts, admitting they owe the money. But it might keep you from moving on, which, to me, is the better plan.
Anger, we are allowed to feel. But it's what we do with it that counts. Don't let it get the better of you. You get rid of it by any means; grounding, the paper spell, use it. But get rid of it, so you can move on and get some happiness back.
Good luck to you. And blessed be...
I like the idea of redirecting this energy into something useful! And I can't help but want to ask what the protection spell you did was.
I would imagine that the time for this is now, since the moon is waning.
I've been trying to learn more about moon phases and what's appropriate when, but once day care is over, there's no concentrating on anything!
I feel like everything is just sitting there dormant. Only waking up in the middle of the night, coming into my psyche and taking over to only wake me up angry and unable to get back to sleep.
Obviously, it's going to be with me today, especially after last night. For the most part, I try not to think of them at all.
They got us on a technicality out here in California. An unlicensed contractor cannot bill over $500. And they could walk into court with his final invoice (which by the way they had in their hands for over a week before the job was finished)and the court could rule against us, then tack on any further expenses for work needed to be done to their house.
However~ this awful person is also in real estate, and with the correct proof on our part, he could lose his license for hiring Ted at all.
So basically, any legal proceedings would cut off the noses of both parties. And Ted has bigger fish to fry with his mom at the very end of her life.