I need a spell to solve a problem. I know what resolution I wish to achieve, I have put a great deal of thought into this. This request is not for anyone wanting to counsel me or change my philosophy on things-I am not closed minded, but there is a thirty year history leading me to the place where I am now and I don't see any realistic possibilities of convincing me otherwise.
I am a very kind, caring, generous and loving person, though not very trusting. I was raised that giving to others brings greater happiness than receiving; that to act in generosity will result in receiving generosity. I treat others as I wish to be treated; with love and compassion. That being said, I do find great pleasure in doing random and not so random acts of kindness. Meanwhile, I find excruciating emotional pain when I give so much and find my emotional needs to be neglected by others as well as myself as I am too busy caring for others to pay attention to my own needs until I am sobbing from my own negligence. (I have experienced a great deal of neglect, abandonment and even abuse since I was a small child-I can take quite a bit of mistreatment before I break down, so when I finally do, it's been a long time coming.) The only person who I ever felt truly loved me, who I never doubted her sincerity when she told me she loved me more than I would ever know-unconditional love so much so I almost believed she loved me more when I had disappointed her, so much so that as a child I didn't fear being grounded or beaten, I feared disappointing my grandmother; she died nine years ago. I haven't really truly felt loved since and I am tired of this cycle. I have a family, my youngest child is eight years old (I became pregnant with her two months after Grandma died and named her after Grandma-they're both Capricorns and for even more reasons, I often wonder if Grandma didn't come back to me through my daughter.)
For all the people who depend on me, I cannot take the "easy way out." Believe me, if it weren't for the promise I made to myself and my children that I will never allow them to go through the instability and mistreatment I experienced as a child, I would have done away with myself instead of bothering with divorcing their father. There are too many people who "need" me, and here is where my generosity and consideration for others becomes a curse; I can't quit giving and I can't walk away, for as bad as some of these people hurt me (not just my kids, they're kids-good kids, but occasionally inadvertently disrespectful as kids sometimes are), I can't take away from those who "need" me the route through which their needs are met, even though my "needs" from them are not met. I don't keep score, I just hurt, and I'm tired of hurting. I have endured thirty years of this. I am a confident person; this is not an issue of low self-esteem, this is an issue of there are some needs a person cannot satisfy for themselves-feeling loved, receiving compassion, feeling that they mean as much to someone as that someone means to them, and so forth.
I cannot commit suicide though I find it rather obvious that my pain will not end until my life does. I feel that regardless how generous I am, there must be some awful misdeed I have committed against someone, even if it wasn't in this current life, for which I am now paying my penance. Besides causing anguish-whether anger, regret, or actual grievance-to those I love, suicide would only result in having to repeat this cycle and maybe worse adding the penance I would pay in the next life. I won't do that to those I love and I wouldn't be doing myself any favors either.
In consideration of all this, the conclusion at which I have arrived is that I need to bind my own soul. I am looking for a spell to erase my soul from existence so that the wrongs I may have done others cease to exist, as well as my very memory, so I will cause no pain to others in binding my own pain. I'm open to any compilations, combinations or suggestions of the least harmful way of eliminating myself from time, memory, existence. The pain I feel cannot be healed-I have tried; but I don't want my pain, or the cessation of it, to cause anyone else pain.