For years I lived with and was surrounded by Wicca and had always held a special affinity for it. However, as I've reached one of the more darker and desperate times in my life recently, I found myself searching the skies and my soul and with that, I've found myself to the Wiccan path. I feel it in my heart that this is correct for me. I've been doing a lot of youtubing, reading and researching on the web, reading books. Right now I'm about halfway through Scott Cunningham's, 'Solitary Practitioner' book. Point is, I'm learning so much and reading so much from so many different sources, it's a bit overwhelming. However, taking all that into account, I've done a few things - but I'm not sure in any sense they had any cohesiveness for the effects I wanted. They were satisfying to me and emotional however I'm unsure of the practical way of doing things.
Examples of what I've done:
1) At first, I just lit a couple of candles, grabbed dirt from outside my home with flower and put it in a bowl and deeply thought and imagined that I was talking with the God and Goddess. I felt a connection, an energy with me. It encouraged me. I pleaded that I felt broken and begged for guidance and assistance. I feel a direct communication back. I'd been without a car and desperately needed one for work. The next day, my Uncle whom is n avid Catholic called me up and decided to 'give' me a car I'd asked about buying. He told me before I said anything, he felt as if 'God' wanted him to give it to me. This was the first time in my life I'd put something in practice spritually and seen a true recriprocation. That's not to say I think that sprituality is a bargain for materialism - I just felt as if the Gods were connecting and communicating with me - nudging me forward.
2) The next time, I wwas just perusing spells and rituals, writing in my 'tempo' BoS(a spiral notebook - I wouldn't even call it a BoS, more somewhere to jot my thoughts for now.) and came upon a 'relaxation' spell. Having been continuously stressed, I walked outside with a b owl of water, some incense and a candle. I offered basil and herbs into a bowl after reciting a spell I'd read, all of this done under the moon and stars. And I nearly wept that night, feeling the energies, putting my soul skyward and trying to empty myself of fear and woe and pain. And afterwards, when I'd thanked the God and Goddess, I promised to forever follow hand in hand with them and espouse only positivity when I can to help give something back to the world AND to Wicca as Cunningham had suggested in writing.
3) Just now, I put together the first time a few items I set up as an altar. I udnerstand briefly that there's a 'shrine/permanent altar' and a temporary altar for circle casting and energy work, I suppose. I'm constrained by a house full of people though and had to retreat to my bedroom to meditate and commune so I couldn't cast calt or otherwise in a circle, but I did set up my altar. I have a wand and athame, bowls for salt and water, a cup, some quartz rocks, a pentagram charm and candles with herbs nearby. I went out and purchased these things knowing fullwell they're not truly neccessary but I feel as if they can be useful as I learn to use them correctly. So, I went in, lit an incense and filled the bowl with water, the other with salt and then proceeded to listen to new age music and meditate. As I did this, I imagined that I was in the fields of Ireland(my ancestor's home) and I felt at peace, imagining the green and lush wilderness as it appears to me in my mind. And then I held my pentagram bone charm in my hand and spoke to the God and Goddess, asking for peace and guidance to bring myself more aware and intune so we may have more communication and closeness. It was very emotional and powerful. Then, with the bits and pieces, I've learned and it just feeling right, I squeezed the charm in my hand and imagined all my engavtitiy and anger flowing into it and then being absorbed and transformed by the charm as I prayed. Afterwards, I felt as if I'd expelled a lot of negavitiy... I then thanked the God and Goddess, and poured the bowl of salt into the bowl of water and drank from it, returning a bit back to the empty bowl, refilling it. This was all to me signifying the recycling of negative energy into positive with the power from within.
My problem - thoughout the several things I've tried thus far, while they FEEL great, are they correct? If I talk about this with the Wiccan/Pagan mainstream am I going to be laughed at or scolded? I understand Wicca is very flexible and personal(the very reasons I'm following this path), I just don't want to go so loosey goosey I can't even call myself a Wiccan. I don't even know if I'm doing spells or roituals or meditation or... I don't know what I'm doing, lol.