Things You Don't Want to Hear a Chaos Magician Say
By Node Fizzgig and Friends
* With some slight modification I can make it better.
* Anyone seen that talisman of mine? I seem to have misplaced it.
* Parsons was a wanker--- Watch this!
* Now it's time for the triple invocation of Loki, Coyote, and Baphomet.
* What you don't know can't hurt you, right?
* Don't worry, everything's under control.
* I know what I'm doing.
* Trust me.
* Hastur, Hastur, Hast---
* No, I planned this, honest!
* I'm glad you asked...
* But the theory is sound.
* Yeah, but you should see the other guy.
* But if it's already dead, how can it be a sacrifice?
* Now if only I had some bungee cords.
* Then Cthulu showed up.
* I really wish I had some chalk right about now.
* Everybody needs a hobby, right?
You Know You're a Chaote When...
1. You don't think it's a proper symbol unless you only
just made it up a few
seconds ago while doodling.
2. Someone asks you if you believe life has a purpose, or
whether it is
meaningless, and you say ''yes.''
3. You always carry around lots of post-it notes and a pen
in case you need to
cast a sigil.
4. People ask you how magic works, and you either
A) don't know and don't care
B) explain in torturous detail, later causing them to seek
5. Someone asks you if you believe in the Christian God,
and you say:
A) ''Only if there's something in it for me''
B) ''What day of the week is it?''
C) ''Sorry, I rolled a 6 on the dice earlier, I'm a Wiccan
D) ''Okay, haven't got any other plans for today''
6. Missionaries find it easy to convert you to their
religion, the only trouble
is making sure you don't convert to another religion as
soon as you're bored.
7. Other magick workers compare rituals with you. You think
they're too serious
and stuffy, and they refuse to live in the same
neighborhood as you. You don't
see anything wrong with making up your own god, until it
starts telling you what
8. While in trance, a being glowing with pure white light
tells you the secrets
to true happiness. You smile and ignore it/laugh at it.
9. People point out your beliefs are contradictory. You
10. Your bookcase contains various holy texts that claim
all the other texts are
11. You don't learn Latin in order to understand tomes of
magic, you learn
12. You still don't understand the tomes after learning
Quantum Physics, but at
least you know lots of big words now.
13. Your rituals involve the first objects you can spot
14. You aspire to schizophrenia. Your friends think you've
already reached that
15. Your banishment rituals are usually more fun than the
You keep a copy of a ''certain revisionist'' book for
whenever you need to banish
16. Even eclectic witches think you need to be more
17. You buy one of those glittery spell books to see if you
can make the spells
work. You read it and decide you would much rather write
insulting letters to
the author that will also give her the nasty cold you've
been trying to get rid
of for weeks.
18. When Wiccans tell you the rede, you ask them to define
19. If someone you agree with turns out to be obnoxious,
you immediately change
your beliefs to the opposite of what they were.
20. Shopping for presents becomes so much easier, as you
decide to buy random
things, mix them up randomly, and leave them lying around
for the first person
who finds them.