|Who am I? That is a question with a constantly evolving answer. I used to think that I knew. Titles I have held in my past at one time or another used to define my own self image. Father, engineer, believer, athiest, friend, lover, partner, owner, cheater, cruel, loyal, kind, suicidal, homicidal...currently failure.
I have been luckier than many, having a very overall happy ignorant existance for the first 38 years of my life. The past few years I watched as everything that made up that happy ignorant existance come unravelled in a very fast manner. Now I look back and can see that every single thing that I have put forth effort on has ended in complete failure.
Any bio should include some type of resume or at least an accounting of experience.
For the first sixteen years I did and believed as instructed by mommy and daddy, christianity. Not the nice reserved sect either, oneness backwoods penticostal "screaming runners" types. This began to unravel as with many others, asking questions that do not have any single one answer, or even intelligent answers.
Spent four years studying the occult, experiencing more than I was likely prepared for at the time. Began to see "energy" auras for a time. Experiences in channeling, or what I call becoming a passenger in your own body. Seeing, yes with my own eyeballs, shadows or "black shapes" that watch and walk. This was more than most of my counterparts could handle as they fled back to belief, thinking that this must be proof in the divine, personally I only saw a proof of something as yet unknown.
Dated and spent some time with a "white witch" wiccan. Learned a bit from the experience. Though I always felt that she pretended to know more than she actually...knew? Not sure if that is the correct word to describe how I remember it.
Received a bachelors in electrical engineering.
Studied on Buddhism, Hinduism, Wiccan, Paganism. Rituals and ceremonies, beliefs and values. Realized at some point that there is no single answer anywhere.
Evolved my own belief stucture as a result of all of this. I spend most of my time reminding myself that I still know nothing.
So, what do I believe? I ask myself that one daily at least.
The parts that stick in my head regardless of the day, at its base level, is that energy exists and in multiple forms. One truth is that energy cannot be destroyed, though it can change forms, as in light or sound.
Though for this I believe it is more important to refer to our energies and that that exists around us, rather than the mundane movement of electrons. It is my belief that these energies can be influenced in one way or another, allowing the probabilities of small changes in the primary flow.
I do not believe in good or evil, white or black. Energy is a tool that exists, same as a hammer. A hammer is not good or evil. Man/woman is not good or evil. All men and women consider theirselves justified of their actions. Therefore there is no absolute. Karma, white magick, black magick in my experience do not exist. Though I do believe that magick exists in the form of influencing the end result, for good or ill. All things balance in time through ebb and flow.
From this perspective, I only seek balance and a deeper understanding of the nature of all things.