Magic Forums

Im really, really sorry in advance for this, it's just been a big problem for me.
It's been on my chest for a while now, and I just can't ignore it anymore. I love my spirituality, and feel a connection to the gods, but there's growing doubts in my mind about the existence of deities, magic and even my own UPGs. I hate to admit it, but I think it's grown so much that its almost a fear, and I confess with shame that I've even begun to avoid articles like "God Disproved" or "The Great Illusions of Witchraft" because of how fragile a state my belief has been in. It's like I want to believe, like I do believe and feel that presence in my life, but there's just one big blockage in my head that won't let me be. I keep comming back to the same doubts, and I mean no offense whatsoever to anyone here with what I say here; "is it just one big self-delusion", "are my experiences and UPGs just 'in my head'", "can I trust the gods? Do they even care?" It's taken a lot for me admit all this, but I have because I'm afraid and desperate for something- I'm not sure exactly what- but something to guide me, even just a comforting word. I feel lost, alone and afraid, but I decided to turn here finally to release this everything I've kept back until now.
Sorry if this sounds, I don't know, silly? I didn't really understand how much it's been bothering me until now.