Gaining faith in self

I would really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and offer some advise. I will probably have a few different threads as I have a few different issues but do not want to overwhelm anyone reading with all of them at once. I am currently 17, i have always had an interest in the occult but it peaked when I was 12 or 13 and I began seriously researching and practicing the occult.
I began gathering supplies, and during this time I was forced to go to a pentecostal church with my family. Someone in the church found out and told my parents I was a satan worshipper, my mom threw all of my stuff away, and i went through some really uncomfortable experiences with people trying to "pray the demons out of me" this is somewhat irrelevant, but, i ended up actually moving out for two years because i refused to give up my faith, and still do, but am living with my parents again.
Back then, my will was so strong. I seems to pull from an endless stream of power within my soul and direct it towards my goals. My spells were all very effective. I would cast spells and days later see the results before my eyes. I cursed my ex (he cheated on me with my best friend, and i didnt care about moral conviction at the time) and his mom died. My magick was very real.
However, I have a very difficult time accessing that stream of power now days and I have narrowed it down to three reasons that are probably causing my issue.
Firstly, i saw so many results before my eyes i began relying on that for verification.
Secondly, i used cannabis a lot spiritually at my uncles house, and now I am unable.
Also, I went through some pretty rough and traumatic experiences at my uncles.
I know what i need to do moving forward, I need to have faith in myself and that magick is real, and my power is real. But I am having a very difficult time doing that. Can anyone offer suggestions or advise?

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If you want to regain your power, you must release yourself from your current religion, maybe being christianity. it causes a lot of grief and fear over the fact that you could go to hell. if you have had traumatic experiences with that, you need to let go through a lot of meditation and reflection, and find a new path that accepts your belief. with your second reason, cannabis isn't exactly the best thing for you to use, so i suggest an alternate method, maybe with an incense or a herb. you need to regain your belief, as one of the main reasons magick works is that you believe it works.

i hope this helps :)

This thread has been moved to Misc Topics from General Info.

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with leaving the religion which you might believe. Rather, the religious issue alone could be a matter of understanding, and finding better sources.

As for the rest, it is probably more a matter if introspection. I think a lot of your past is catching up with you mentally, and you've had a load to deal with. You're also 17, a time of major transitions and decisions for most people.

These stresses can affect every aspect of a person's life. Stresses are often why people's grades drop in school, when they are trying to study as hard as possible, for example.

Yes: Magic is real. I'd say it might be a time to take a bit of a break. You've said in another thread that your creativity has taken a major dive.

I don't mean take a break as in stop all practice, but perhaps take it down a few notches. Just stick to meditation and other daily devotion, rather than any major workings.

Have some sort of change of pace. Do something out of the ordinary. Visit some place locally you haven't seen before. Routine can be detrimental sometimes. I'd suggest some time in nature, like a day hike, or a couple hours meandering on some local trails.

I think you might be experiencing some anxiety related to things you've experienced, and your immediate and eventual future. I'd say you need to consider learning to let go of anxiety. Whether your answer lies in midnfulness, or some other options, it will help.

It will not be a sudden change. I think you've pushed your way through a lot in life, the way a lot of young people do, and you haven't had time to heal.

Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of time, and consciously slowing yourself down a bit to get your feet back under you. I personally find that the most significant things I accomplish spiritually ended up sneaking up on me without realizing it. Especially during times of stillness.

It can be like waiting for an avalanche. You sit there watching, feeling like nothing is happening. You might poke or prod, or dig down to see if anything is happening... but everything seems still all around you. But despite appearances there is motion under the surface. Sometimes -really- deep under the surface. Circumstances are moving about and building up pressures until conditions are just right. Then, a raindrop falls. One little pebble in the distance moves. It bumpes another one. And suddenly a mountainside is redefining the landscape.

In the meantime, while those forces build up slowly, concentrate on your own footing. Deal witb the here and now. Work to understand yourself and your motivations. Stir your wonder by learning about new things. Be it mundane, spiritual, or magical.

Rediscover your passion, its that spark that keeps goals and enjoyments going. If you have or are still healing from a difficult time right now you possibly could put more focus on resting and healing. When it just isn't working, expand and try something you maybe didn't connect with before. Getting back to the roots of your practice could help you establish a nice foundation. Of course magick is real and you've seen what you can do.

wow, well first off all the whole thing with your parents, wow. i have some choice words for them [but they're not aloud on the forum, so i'll let you fill in the blanks] i hope they at least listen to you when you say you do not worship the devil, or at the very least quietly tolerate your choices. my dad refuses to admit to my conversion, so i kind of know how painful it is, but not the extent you do having to leave. as long as you're safe. and i will say you are stronger than you think choosing to leave the situation while in high school.

this also said, your story about cursing your ex and his mom dying, i don;t know the full story but i think you went just a little too far. i'm not saying cursing is bad, or that karma or the threefold law will get you for this, but i do believe you charged yourself with a lot of negative energy and negative energy does linger. you might consider cleansing yourself and your space a few times to get rid of it as it could be causing a lot of your current pain. [offer to clean the house and visualize yourself sweeping/vacuuming/mopping away tar and replacing it with clean energy [i tend to visualize those sparkles from a cleaning commercial lol] so your parents won't notice you casting a spell, but secretly that's what you're doing. you might consider also a protection chant when you're finished each room.

now, as for your confidence problem, theres a ton of things that could cause it and just as many solutions. regular meditation and journaling can help you. i highly recommend shadow work if you don't already do that. charging, centering, grounding and shielding can help not only get back into the regular flow of energy but have a little barrier between you and the negative energy of others. [there's also crystals, herbs and sachels you can carry to help you. i keep bloodstone with me] you can also consider affirmations. and as for your three possible reasons

1. it is possible this is a lesson if you used magick for every little thing life threw at you. it doesn't mean your magick isn't working, but you might need to rely on your own strength, and try doing things without magick [studying, asking people out, grabbing the last slice of cake, whatever else you can do without the aid of magick that isn't life or death important. not forever, but for now]

2. i don't think cannabis is the block, but if you turned it into a routine it's more likely a mental block over a spiritual one. subconsciously you rely on the routine [similar to lighting incense or having to cast outside] again, meditation, journal, and shadow work, as well as forming a new routine that relies on you alone [try making psi balls and casting little luck or protection spells to build back your confidence and form a new routine in your mind]

3. not really a point, but the trauma with your uncle, i've said it already but in this very instance of trauma, do shadow work. i'm not forcing you, shadow work is something that should be done at your own pace and when you feel ready. it dives into the shadow aspect of the self and forces you to confront the darkness, not to dispel it, but to accept it, find a place for it, and move past it. this can work for 'negative' emotions like getting to the route of your anger, but also healing from hurt and guilt, like your parents kicking you out, whatever with your uncle, even the breakup. sometimes we bury pain to make it go away, but instead it waits in the shadow and can slowly effect our life in various ways. best of luck to you.

As previously stated this sounds mental and psychological in nature. I believe it is a cumulation of things.

First you seem to be reflecting on past actions and the negative consequences which may be plaguing you morally. Your intention from what you stated was not to harm your ex's mother and while you may need to focus your efforts in the future more carefully you are likely feel some guilt which would in this case be related to magick or more precisely your use of it. Now do not get me wrong I believe in negative energy but I have heard of few claims that magick actually killed anyone plus magick is fueled by your intent. My meaning is I suggest you be more careful in the future but at the same time this incident may have been a coincidence as it was not your true intent to harm her. This is just my theory.

Second you dealt with parents that treated you poorly, a unknown situation that was likely bad at your uncle's, and were young as well as probably angsty so this all combined to give you strong negative emotions as I believe has already been referenced. Emotions give energy to everything we do from the mundane to the magickal especially when in magick your goal is negative itself. Your anger, emotional distress, etc...likely fueled any negative related spells amplifying their strength. At the moment I doubt you are very happy but you probably are not riding the same wave of powerful emotions. Couple that with the potential guilt you may feel over the consequences of your actions in the past and you get a mental block.

Third your reference of the use of cannabis. I have never used cannabis but like most I know the effects. It relaxes a person and causes all negative emotions to be swept away for a time I'm guessing. The cannabis may have worked in the place of meditation helping to calm your mind of negative emotions and helping you enter a mental state they may have aided some of your spell casting. The cannabis was a crutch and should not be relied upon for such things as it will only limit you in the long run.

In the end there is a possibility that you are stopping yourself. Your religion, your parent's attitude as well as the actions of others towards you, guilt, etc...may be sending a message from your subconcious that is preventing you from accessing your past gifts because some inner part of you doesn't want a repeat of the past. Also you may just not be able to enter the state of mind/and or channel the strong emotions you did in the past which were triggered by past events. In both cases you should be able to get passed this with time but I agree as stated above maybe you need a break. You are already stressed and your current situation regarding magick is only stressing you out more. You need time to relax and let your mind rest away from these matters.