I've noticed a reoccurring theme in your posts darkestfairy--love, anxiety, and depression, which can be a common trio. But this post has pushed it too far for me, and has made me very worried for you.
With full concern, I ask you, please stop role playing and if you are not role playing and truly believe what you are saying here, seek help. Talk to someone you trust, such as family. This isn't real and its not a game. I understand that believing or pretending that what you write is real may make you feel better but it is very unhealthy. I know you're depressed and lonely, but this isn't the way to handle it. You're a mother, please, if not for you, then for your child, talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings, preferrably someone like a counselor who can give you sound advice. If that doesn't make you comfortable, then family or a friend. You are an intelligent woman in the prime of her life. You don't need a man to make you complete. Focus on the things you appreciate in life, big and small. Not what you lack. Hell! I even appreciate that first cup of coffee in the morning, not everyone in this world can enjoy one.
I'm sorry if I've upset you, I truly don't mean to. As I said, I'm concerned. I didn't make this a public post to embarrass you. I made this public because there are a lot of really good people here that I know will send you mail and talk with you. I'm not very good with such talks. I've been told I'm too blunt.